10 ways to know if he's Gay

 

1. He’s always talking about how “freaky” he is: 

Exhibit A: Sexy Spec from Pretty Ricky (under no heterosexual circumstances should a man be this agile, that low to the ground).

These types of niggas always let the cat out of the bag, eventually. You might think humping chairs is cool now; but one day, you’re gonna come home early from work and see just how “freaky” he really is. Don’t say I never warned you.

 

 

2. He enjoys Madea movies:

 If I’m not mistaken, there’s a Madea movie in theatres right now. And luckily for you, I’ve designed a highly-scientific experiment involving these movies to help you get to the bottom of whether or not your man does, in fact, like sausage.

 

As a beginning step, I want you to suggest that the two of you go see this movie. Listen closely for his response. If his words do not resemble any of the following:

“Fuck”

“Fuck my life”

“Fuck this shit”

“This some bullshit”

“Shit”

“Damn”

“I think we should see other people”

…then he’s suspect.

 

But don’t count him out yet. The real test comes once inside the theatre.

 

If, upon viewing at least 10 minutes of the movie, he’s not (1.) sleeping, or (2.) sporting a weathered, confused look, like he just went 12 rounds with a prime Mike Tyson – then yeah, you might wanna make sure you’re not missing any panties once y’all get home.

 

 

3. He knows the words to more than one Beyonce song:

 Actually, knowing the words to even one Beyonce song is pushing it. But considering her musical genius (see: thighs) in the “Single Ladies“ video, I figure every man is entitled to at least one song (preferably this one). I probably know that shit backwards, as many times as I’ve watched the video. Note: “Dangerously in Love“ is NOT eligible for the one-song cushion. Should you ever catch your man enjoying this particular song or any of its byproducts (e.g. music videos), feel free to interpret the act as him officially coming out of the closet.

 

 

4. He knows all of the latest dance moves: 

Outside of a few Hustles and a two-step, a man over the age of 17 should have absolutely no proficiency in any dances. I’m sorry, but facial hair and The Jerk don’t mix. I’m 26, and the last dance I mastered was the The Rednose. Needless to say, I like girls. Because that dance is just dry humping a chicks ass

 

If, for example, you ever walk into you man’s apartment and he tells you not to bother him because he’s “filming a YouTube tutorial for the new Rihanna choreography,”you might as well just grab your keys and go back home. This relationship is over.

 

 

5. He sings in the church choir: 

One afternoon when I was about 6 years old, my mother gave me a choice between going to choir rehearsal and staying home to watch Full House. What a tough spot to be in: “Do I serve my church and make my mother happy, or do I stay home and watch a TV show that will be in re-runs for the next 17 years?” After a grueling deliberation of about 1 second, I decided to stay my ass at home and watch Full House. My mom tried to act disappointed, but deep down, I could tell she was proud that her son wasn’t a fruit.

 

 

6. He eats cylinder-shaped popsicles: 

My first impulse was to blacklist all popsicles. However, after some thought, I suppose rectangular ones are fine. Edit: You know what – no they’re not. Aside from being a placeholder for a dick, I can’t think of any logical reason why a grown man would need a popsicle in his mouth.

 

This isn’t an unforgivable offense, however. Recently, I took the liberty of contacting the Real Nigga Institute of Culinary Arts, to find out the proper masculine way of enjoying a popsicle. They informed me that it must be melted at room temperature until it falls from its stick, at which point it should be crushed and eaten with a spoon.

 

Should you find your man attempting to consume a popsicle in the traditional fashion, please inform him of the aforementioned technique. His natural reaction should be tears of gratitude. However, if he insists on continuing to do it “his way,” rest assured that he’s practicing. And not for his next popsicle, if you catch my drift…

 

 

7. He’s ever been to Starbucks: 

A black man has absolutely no business in Starburcks. No, shut up. NONE. Oh, word?  Well, you’re gay then. And besides, this post is for my female readers. Go away.

 

 

 8. He acts catty about Kim Kardashian’s ass being fake: 

Personally, I don’t give a damn if the bitch is made out of Styrofoam. And neither does any other straight man. I have my reasons for not being very respectful of Kim (e.g. her mouth and Ray J’s dick having a wrestling contest all over the internet), but her body is definitely not among those reasons.

 

 

 

9. He knows which male celebrity he’d get with: 

Should you ever ask your man the question of which male celebrity he’d get gay with and he not only fails to toss you out of his presence Uncle Phil-style, but actually has an answer for you – RUN. This is typically a playful question, but there’s simply no way for a straight man to be able to answer it. For example, if you asked me which female celebrity I’d get with, my internal thoughts would be something like this:

 

“Man, Lauren London was looking kinda good in ATL…but then again, remember Keyshia Cole’s titties in the “I Just Want It To Be Over” video? But on the other hand, remember the first time you saw Kerry Washington’s lips in I Think I Love My Wife?” etc., etc.

 

Answering the same question as it relates to men would require me to have a similar mental Rolodex, except full of gay shit (e.g. “I love the way the light reflected off Keith Sweat’s asscheeks in the “Make It Last Forever” video”). Even if I wanted to answer the question, I simply don’t have the ammunition to be able to. Any man who does, however, has officially revealed himself as a meat-gazer.